Conversations with Hope

Hope, did you take chocolate off the counter?
I don't remember
OK, in case you did, please take off your jacket
What?
And don't eat it on the couch
Nana, come here, I made a mistake

Nana, Look! I'm making hair for you

You look so pretty Hope
Thank You, I'm going to a party
I love your shoes
Are you going to take a picture?
I'll get my camera
Hurry Nana, this won't last

Let's take your juice upstairs and get ready for bed
I'm not tired
It's late, we've been playing all day
I want to play more

And On We Go

Donna

For a moment of time in the late 70s I was a wee bit of a disco queen. I was in my early twenties and raising a child alone. I was fighting in the courts with my ex for child support while working two jobs and trying to finish my degree.

Now and then I needed to dance.

I was living in Brooklyn, NY during the height of Disco Mania. My son took gymnastics lessons at the same place where they filmed scenes from Saturday Night Fever. We got pizza at the same pizzeria and walked under the same subway el. I'll never forget seeing Saturday Night Fever the day it opened. As the opening scene scans an serial shot of Bay Ridge, Brooklyn someone in the packed theater shouts out "hey, dat's my fuckin' muddah's house".

So I would don the polyester and go to 3rd Avenue in Bay Ridge. I'd go to 2001 Odyssey and Brown Derby and the place that looked like a giant barn where all the sluts went after the "classy" clubs closed.

I would go with Linda and Maria and Stephanie - the divorced moms club.
I would meet Vinny and Sal and Johnny and Joe.
I would avoid the men I was positive were Russian gangsters. I could handle the Mafia but those Brighton Beach guys were creepy.

I would sip Rum and Diet Coke, no fucking lime please.
My boobs would barely stay in place against the shiny, skimpy material of a disco dress.
The platform shoes killed me but they also made my legs look great.
Plus I would become nearly 6 feet tall. The better to intimidate or stimulate.

And everywhere I went there was Donna ...

The clubs would close with Last Dance and I'd make sure to round up the girls and hit the sober up diner before all the booths were taken.

We'd put tons of quarters into the table side jukebox and play more Donna. One of us would always get maudlin over On The Radio.

Donna Summer was the Queen of Disco. The voice of an era.

For a tired young woman with what felt like the weight of the world on her shoulders Donna was the soundtrack of her fun and flirting.

Thank You Donna

Peaceful Journey

First Do No Harm

This post is a bit longer than usual because of all the dialogue (hehehehehe) and because I just had to stop editing; the subject makes my blood boil and I couldn’t read it one more time.

So you have high blood pressure and low pressure
Excuse me
That’s what you circled

I had noted that historically my blood pressure has been normal or low but on my last clinic visit it was high; I tried to explain that to him

Would you like to see the meds they gave me?
No response
I sat there holding out the med bottle; finally I shook it at him and he took it
He barely looked at it and then he threw it on the examining table that was between us

And so began the appointment with the primary care physician I have been waiting for since February

He stood at a little shelf near the door, his body mostly turned away from me
There was a chair and writing desk right next to me
He rifled through the medical history booklet I had filled out as if he were handling explosives wrapped in garbage

You’ve had an arthritis work-up
Nothing was ever posed as a question but as an accusation
No, I’ve tried to tell you twice now that I have not had any medical care other than the emergency clinic in five years. Did I circle yes to arthritis? I don’t think I did
You circled muscle and joint pain and mobility limits
And that can only be from arthritis?
No answer

The visit had started on a positive note. The medical assistant was pleasant and professional. We talked about how I had cut down on how much I smoke and had still been able to lose a few pounds as well. I told her that I wished I could walk more but the pain got in the way as did my balance issues. She said I should ask the doctor for a walker prescription as other patients used them for exercise and found them helpful. She was encouraging.

You need to lose weight and stop smoking
I know, I ….
I was about to ask him about the walker but he interrupted me once again

I don’t treat smokers
Excuse me?
I don’t treat smokers

Then why am I going through all of this. I indicated how much I smoke on the survey. I told your assistant I smoked. Why would you spend all this time being so rude and abrupt when you had no intention of treating me?

I think you’re overlaying your negative attitude onto me

Really. My negative attitude. This dick had just spent 15 minutes being abusive and I was the negative one.

I had hoped to be able to put up with him long enough to get an orthopedic referral but now I did what I had wanted to do about two minutes in …

Up out of the chair, grasping my cane to keep from throwing something at his face, I told him what a piece of shit he was. My face felt hot and I imagine my blood pressure was real high. I got that whirring sound in my head that indicates rage.

You fucking piece of shit. Look at you. With your short sleeved dress shirt buttoned all the way up. You’re a pussy boy. You get off on judging people. I imagine you really hate your patients. They must get in the way of the time you spend with internet porn and role playing games. Bet you’re a wizard in some chat room somewhere you miserable sack of crap.

By this time I have flung open the examining room door and I’m desperately trying to keep my balance – literally and emotionally.

I see the exit sign and as I head for it I see this woman in a nurse’s uniform charging down the hall and reaching out for the doctor’s arm. Swear, she had to be 100 years old.

As I kicked open the back exit to the parking lot I heard a voice that sounded like mine

There ya go pussy boy, momma nurse will protect you from the big fat smoking monster. Go bury your head in her tits you fucking asshole.

I was parked right there by the door and I have no recollection of leaving the lot. I had to pull over a few moments later when I realized my seat belt beeper was screaming. I sat there shaking and crying for a bit and then I took a deep breath and drove home.

I wonder if I need to look for another doctor.

This was last Thursday. Today I found another doctor and will be seeing her next week. I told her receptionist what had happened with the first doctor and was assured that this doctor treats everyone.

Mom's Day

mothering comes in all sizes and shapes and ages and genders
nurturing is something anyone with a pure heart and a good soul can do

all over the nation today priests and reverends and ministers will take advantage of this day to preach about the sanctity of marriage
they will be un-god like
they will criticize our President for finally listening to his heart and his children

shame on them

Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother.  ~Oprah Winfrey

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. ~ Erma Bombeck

To nourish children and raise them against odds is any time, any place, more valuable than to fix bolts in cars or design nuclear weapons. -- Marilyn French

Making the decision to have a child – it’s momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body .-Elizabeth Stone

Your kids require you most of all to love them for who they are, not to spend your whole time trying to correct them.  ― Bill Ayers



And On We Go ...

Growing Up At The Beach

I took these shots in early April. This tree lives along the boardwalk in Union Beach, NJ.

NATURE NOTES

News Twos

If you're like me then you're sick of me. Of the cat crap and healthcare hub-bub and disability drama.

So I thought I'd share some stuff from the news. That got me to thinking of a title which made me think about what rhymes with news since I'm such a poet neurotic and then I saw this photo ...

and I decided by twos was my theme.

That's the mom who is addicted to tanning and may have taken her 6 year old daughter into a tanning booth with her. Whether she did or not doesn't even seem to be the question to me. If you can cause this much damage to your own face - left is from 4/24 and right is 5/2 - then I think you need lots of help taking care of yourself and your child.

Roger Clemens told Congress he never juiced up. Then he allegedly told Andy Pettitte that he did. Then Andy told the Feds. Now Andy says he may have misunderstood.

Millions of trial and hearing dollars later the entire mess yields nothing and solves nothing.

I'm so sick of millionaires who become millionaires simply because they can make team owners billionaires because they can throw/dunk/carry/kick a ball. Let's turn the world upside down; give millions to scientists and teachers and make sports and entertainment asshats beg for funding.

Never trust a man who spends more than 5 minutes on his hair. Trust his assistant even less.

Andrew Young is a bitter vindictive man. Edwards is a disgrace. His oldest daughter left court in tears yesterday after listening to accounts of her mother's reaction to news of Edward's affair. That's all on Edwards and he should spend the rest of his life making it up to her and all his children - including the child he had with the mistress.

Maryland passed a law that basically says pit bulls are more dangerous than any other dog breed. The law calls for harsher penalties for pit bull owners - and even people who rent an apartment to someone with a pit bull - than for any other dog owner. They cited 7 serious cases in the past 13 years. Don't mean to be callous but 7 in 13 is anecdotal and I don't think laws should be passed based on stories and photos of an injured child with his crying mother.

There are as many, probably more, stories of how loving pit bulls are

Animal experts say that violence in pit bulls is NOT in the genes but in the way they are trained and treated.

6,000 to 10,000 years ago some dude with blue eyes appeared and according to a research group in Denmark every blue eyed person who came after is a descendant. So all blue eyed folks are related.

My brother has blue eyes. So that means he's related to Frank Sinatra.

Which means I'm related to Frank? How cool is that.

Isadora is improving, still waiting for some results and a definitive course of treatment. And she wants to know if she's related to Frank Sinatra.

Cookies and Crapola - Madness for Week 8

Madness - as in losing my mind, wondering what the hell it is I'm thinking most of the time
Although if I wonder maybe I'm not mad, just odd

Stress can do strange things to a person

I'm tired

If my ship ever does come in I'll be stuck at the RR crossing on my way to the airport

Every time I get in the car I want to run away

Fly away

Swim away

I'm buried beneath worry over the cats - and money, and family, and healthcare, and ...

There's so much to think about I get foggy

Ready to hang myself

Or at least wave a white flag

As I go around and around looking for the bright spots

So that's my story at the moment

Siren is doing well, he has responded to his meds and resumed his normal behavior

Isadora is going back to the vet today for more tests. She is not eating or drinking. She has not responded to her meds. She hides and when I manage to get her out she cries and shrinks away.